Divorcing your parents: why I am nothing more than an Amazon vessel and how I am starting to find peace

 

My parents and I have a complicated relationship, at best.  The details of that relationship are too much to post here publicly and, frankly, they are far too embarrassing.  But if I don't share some details, this post won't make any sense.

The filtered, adulterated version:  I come from a long lineage of substance abuse.  Fortunately for me, I have been able to break the cycle, but that doesn't mean that I haven't had my life completely upended by it.  There were forgotten birthdays.  Credit card debt.  And a host of other things a "healthy" parent wouldn't do to a child.

The relationship now is particularly complicated.  My father passed away a number of years ago.  My mother is alive, but in an assisted living facility.  The basis of our relationship consists of her asking me to make purchases for her so that she can regain material possessions that were lost to bankruptcy and eviction.

I have been putting off thinking about this for a long time.  It has taken years to digest, accept, and understand this situation that I find myself in and the reality that no matter what I do, it will not change.

So, why now?  Why today?

In the span on one hour, my mother sent me almost a dozen emails on different purchases I needed to make for her.  The convenience of online shopping is very likely the worst thing for someone who has this particular illness.  Back in the day, my house was filled floor to ceiling with home shopping network things, but those boxes now have that mocking smile on them.  

1.  Remember that, even though you are a son or daughter, you are no longer a child.  My experience has been that, even at my age, I am still considered the child.  To an extent, I get that.  Part of that is a fact: I am younger and theoretically, have less life experience to rely upon as I impart my judgment and make decisions in this world.  But, on the other hand, track record matters, too.  I have cleaned up my life.  I have built a life.  And frankly, I refuse to be treated like a child.  The way out?  There is no convincing someone who views you that way to change their views.  Instead, act the way you want to be treated, without forcing the issue.  Be who you are, true to who you are, and your family will have little choice but to accept that version of you.

2.  The tragedy, I assume, is that I really am no different than my mom.  You are no different than your mom, deep down inside.  The difference comes down to the discipline you choose to exert to achieve a different outcome.  Discipline means knowing what we need to do and carrying through with it.  It's easier to avoid the thing we need to do, but the thing that bothers us the most is the path towards emotional healing.

3.  Patience, love, and peace.  If you come from an unhealthy background, the only thing you can show yourself is patience, love, and peace.  My sons watch and read "Captain Underpants" on a regular basis.  At the beginning of each story, the narrator describes the main characters -- George and Harold -- in the same exact way.  It goes a little something like this: "George is the kid on the left with the tie and the flat-top. Harold is the one on the right with the T-shirt and the bad haircut. Remember that now."  Every single story starts off this way.  Your story starts the same way, but with patience, love, and peace.  Remember that now.  Every time you engage with these demons, you start from a place of patience, love, and peace.  It is within you -- never lost, just ignored at times.  Remember that now.

4.  No happy ending.  The truth is that, despite our mind's interest in finding a nice, tidy ending to the story, there may not be one.  There may not be an ending that we feel comfortable with or one that we ever like.  Time to make peace with that (see above, remember that now).  The story is you engaging with those demons, not the outcome of that process.  The outcome of that process is subject to too many external events, well beyond your control.  The ending is relevant, but we have to let go that a certain thing has to happen.